I sent this to my dad, who's been a boiler tech for 30 years.
“Of the two ways you can explode a boiler, that’s the best one” isn’t the comfort your father thinks it is
I want Lil Nas X to do a cover of Santa Baby. He’d make it as suggestive as Eartha Kitt intended
Step 1: fuck Satan
Step 2: fuck Santa
Jessie with a Dreepy is my new favorite thing. Please give her one. They’d be a great team.
dreepy is a-ok don’t you worry
Say hello to my Eeveelution frozen cocktail menu!
Eevee: cake vodka, Kahlua, Bailey’s, chocolate eclair ice cream bar, chocolate syrup
Vaporeon: rum, Malibu, blue curacao, pineapple juice, Sprite
Jolteon: tequila, red bull, margarita mix, lemon juice, Sprite, salt on the rim
Flareon: fireball whiskey, peach schnapps, iced tea, lemonade, dash of strawberry syrup (for color)
Espeon: strawberry vodka, Hpnotiq Harmonie, Chambord, cranberry juice, Sprite
Umbreon: bourbon, coke, lemon juice, orange juice
Glaceon: rum, blue curacao, peppermint schnapps, lemonade, soda water, sugar on the rim
Leafeon: tequila, peach schnapps, lime juice, ginger ale, mint, honey and a drop of chocolate syrup for decoration
Sylveon: cake vodka, strawberry vodka, Bailey’s, strawberry shortcake ice cream bar, cream, strawberry syrup
fucking oh god
FUCK I WANT
i like open world games bc the main quest will be like OMG our city is UNDER ATTACK‼️ we need you to return to the city RIGHT NOW‼️ and i’ll be like Ok i’m on it. now excuse me while i spend the next 5 in game weeks doing nothing but gathering collectibles. Goodbye
me, reaching into my dresser drawer for black pants: I hope this isn’t the pair with big holes worn in the inner thighs
Marie Kondo, gently over my shoulder: why is a pair of pants you find unwearable still in your dresser drawer
me: oh shit that’s right!! The dresser is for clothes that under some circumstance I might conceivably wear!!
Marie Kondo, beaming proudly: Yes, that’s correct!! These pants must have been your favorites. How wonderful that they were so comfortable and practical that you wore them out. But now since they no longer function as pants, you should move them from the drawer where you keep your functioning pants!
me: Yes thanks I got it they’re in the fabric basket now
Marie Kondo, fading back into the darkness: I love what you’ve done with the kitchen!!
The notion of KonMari as some creepy semi-embodied but entirely benevolent spirit, like a well-intentioned Bloody Mary, is so perfect and wonderful.
Marie Kondo has the same powers but the exact opposite energy of the Duolingo Owl.
YES.
Marie Kondo: Your room isn’t very clean, but that’s okay, I love mess! Does this spark joy?
Duolingo Owl: I wrote the ransom note in Spanish, and if you have to use Google Translate to read it, your kid gets it. You broke your streak. I’ll break your neck.
Marie Kondo holding your child, while standing on the remains of the Duolingo Owl : The Bird did not spark joy
okay but I did not know that there is a story about f. scott fitzgerald nervously showing ernest hemingway his penis because zelda said he couldn’t satisfy a woman with it and ernest hemingway was like “lol no dude you’re fine”
what are the modernists even
the best part of that story in context is that before they pull out their dicks, hemingway spends the better part of a chapter physically describing fitzgerald in great detail, claiming to be grossed out by him but obviously, obviously uncomfortably attracted
oh my god, it got better. I just went to find an excerpt and
Scott was a man then who looked like a boy with a face between handsome and pretty. He had very fair wavy hair, a high forehead, excited and friendly eyes and a delicate long-lipped Irish mouth that, on a girl, would have been the mouth of a beauty. His chin was well built and he had good ears and a handsome, almost beautiful, unmarked nose. This should not have added up to a pretty face, but that came from the coloring, the very fair hair and the mouth. The mouth worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more.
ernest hemingway calm down and control your thirst a little
“The mouth worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more“ is a hell of a line
No Homo: A Literary Masterpiece
I’m such a slut for casual intimacy. Like yesss rest your chin on my shoulder while we're in line at the grocery store, I live for that shit.
